"My ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living." Anais Nin
“It’s been a while since I’ve tried to get over it. Not much but still I’ve decided that I don’t have to love anyone at the moment. Just get free and enjoy every single moment and every piece of skin.
I wasn’t sure at the beginning that all this could happen, that she could be on board with this but in the middle of the night here I am, driving through the city to pick her up. Yes! I am! She knows what I want, I know what I want and best of all, we don’t even know each other. It’s just that strange fucking idea of having her every time I see her. It’s like she’s playing with me and I want to play with her. And I will. Oh yes… I’m going to do her in every way I want, making her scream over and over again.
But something strange happen the moment she got in the car. She doesn’t feel it. She’s laughing but I feel that in a way I can’t. I want it but, I can’t get to focus. Like shit… this chick is going with me home and instead that I have time to think of some stupid crappy things. Why are those coming to my head right now when I’m about to fuck her. I know the’s no such thing as stupid things about it. It’s just me and… a while.
She’s a smoker. Of course she is. I mean… How couldn’t she be? I stopped smoking 2 months ago and since then and the last time I was not like this, she is the first one to smoke in my room. Oh God how much I would like to smoke one too. She’s like a child. I didn’t expect that. I was thinking that a female that accepts doing this kind of stuff could be more… not her. I mean, no smiling all the time, joking, trying to get me focused, while I’m definitely not. She’s transforming and she’s giving me some thoughts of maybe. Shit man! Wake up! You’re here to fuck!!
We start kissing and piece of piece she invites me to kiss every inch of her. She invites me. So I will. Enjoy, take advantage. Fucking bitch. First the t-shirt, then the jeans and she’s all mine. Hmmm… if you could know what I will do to you. Laying down there, watching me as I get undressed. Yes… watch me babe! This is what you’ll get tonight. Do you want it? It’s all yours, and mine to fill you in every way.
And there’s again that moment. I can’t do it. I mean, I’m hard as hell at the image of her wanting me to be inside her but I can’t manage to… to continue. Of couse that she’s laughing. Why wouldn’t she. I would laugh if I was her. But right now, again the thought.
If I lose myself I lose it all and I can’t afford that. I must go on for my own sake. This is the beginning of the next. So we begin. So far with the girly stuff. The real woman asking, begging for pleasure has arisen from the sheets. She wants it. And I want her. She’s skinny, small, but firm. I could play with it. Soft lips, breathing hard, wrapping me with her legs, wrapping her with my arms. Starting to fit. But then again…
That feeling. Kissing her on her waist. I know I haven’t done that in a while. But why am I doing this to her?! This could be only my imagination pretending for a moment that the woman in front of me is the one that used to be mine.”
Since love and fear can hardly exist together, then we mush chose between them and it is far saver to feel feared then loved.